


january mornings

by bottombeeb



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Diary/Journal, F/M, Genderswap, Pining, girl!patrick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-12
Packaged: 2020-06-26 19:25:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19774831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bottombeeb/pseuds/bottombeeb
Summary: "It was in the car, that January morning, that you sat up and just looked at me, and suddenly everything changed."Drabble #2 of our Ot3 Drabble Collection





	january mornings

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pandon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandon/gifts).



_we were driving from somewhere to somewhere. or maybe it was nowhere to nowhere. it didnt matter, but we wouldnt arrive the same people we left. or at least i wouldnt._

_i remember the january morning sun, tinted by the windshield that shone through._

_the car smelled like stale air as the vents blew warmth into our small bubble of the world, every once in awhile, shifting the temperature to feel just right. but it was always only for a moment before it would trip to one side or another, just a bit too hot or a bit too cold. i didnt mind. i dont think you did either._

_our drinks sat deserted in the space between us. my empty cup of coffee, and your half-full cup of tea, lukewarm and forgotten._

_i shot you a glance, and you didnt stir, leaning against the window of the passenger seat, fast asleep. it made me smile, just because it was so you, to be asleep in the face of the sun. you probably would have punched me to see me smile like that at you._

_i didnt mind driving without you there. the radio was on, and the road painted a scenery that kept my attention._

_my hands on the steering wheel, i lead us through the state, following the bends of the road this way and that, not minding if i missed a turn or couldnt find a street. it didnt matter, we were driving through time to get from then to now._

_i dont know how long it was before you woke up again. you grumbled and rubbed your eyes, messing up your glasses and not having to worry about eyeliner or makeup._

_i would be lying if i said i hadnt been jealous (still am jealous) of how you manage to not worry about anything._

_you always laugh at me, call me more of a girl than you are._

_im the one with the makeup._

_im the one who worries about everything._

_im the one writing love poems in the dark._

_you sat up and ran your fingers through your hair. i didnt know how much was about to change. i grinned, one of those big grins that the other girls always love but you always roll your eyes at, and called you a sleepyhead. you didnt grace me with a response._

_instead, you sat up and just looked at me, and when i faced you, thats when everything changed._

_i dont know what i had seen before, but what i was seeing then made my fingers grip hard on the steering wheel while your own gripped my heart. there was something about you in that january morning light that shattered everything for me. shattered everything i had built up in terms of you and me, in terms of our friendship._

_i always ruin everything, all the love i touch fades away or distorts itself into something thorny and harsh. and i was scared. scared of what i saw in you. and scared of what i saw in me._

_because when you looked at me, i saw something i wanted. something i wanted more than anything i had ever wanted before. it was terrifying because i wanted you. and wanting you was how i knew i would lose you._

_you raised an eyebrow at my expression, something on my face mustve given me away, and i was scared to breathe. you called me stupid, but there was a smile on your face._

_all the girls i had loved, all the girls i hadnt loved. none of them compared to you. not in that moment. not in any moment since then._

_because what we had was perfect then, me and you. two halves of a whole. the world knew who we were to each other just from a glance. but my heart ran away from me. brought love into the equation and tipped the balance, sending me down._

_ive ruined friendships before. i had always been scared to break ours, to lose you._

_but ive ruined relationships before too. and in the process i break the person i love. and i refused to let myself break you like that. i wouldnt. i wont._

_so i smiled and said something stupid because its what you expected me to do. and you laughed and looked out the window. and i put all the pieces back together. but they still dont fit. because i still want you. and im still scared. and i still refuse to lose you, to act on my foolish heart._

_but my heart still refuses to quit._

_p_


End file.
